Guys I genuinely thought I’d never recover ever (especially mentally) but I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 3 years and the thoughts are definitely becoming quieter. They’re still prominent, but it’s easier to disregard them and take them for what they are… bullshit. I would be lying if I said I didn’t hate my appearance and didn’t think I was huge, but the anxiety about not giving into what my eating disorder wants is lessening as I learn to trust myself and my body. I’d never in a trillion light years believe I could learn to ignore those niggling voices and try to accept all of myself as I attempt to live a life as Lottie and not as anorexia. When things get hard in life, as these things do, it is difficult to stay on the right path but I’m learning to cope in new and healthier ways. Moving away from my eating disorder is both daunting yet exciting. I can live now. Well I can certainly try.
I just need to try and eat more in the day to prevent binging at night. Binging leads to purging and that’s not a behaviour I can tolerate/engage in anymore. I need to stop picking my skin. I need to stop weighing myself FOREVER. I need to stop body checking. I need to get my period back (had some light random spotting 2 months ago but nothing since). I need to eat things like pizza and cookies and not opt for healthy foods ALL of the time. These are things that will come in time I hope. For now, I am okay, which is a good state to be in.