I just received a message from my other auntie (who has obviously been in contact with the auntie I have been staying with in New Zealand). This particular auntie lives in Australia and she came to visit and saw me when I was very ill and just about to be admitted. She said this:
I am so proud of you. Theresa said you both had a wonderful time together and that you are such a beautiful spirit. It sounds like you have taken the bull by the horns so to speak and are slaying the demons. I was out in the garden today eating my Quinoa and thoughts just came into my head which I felt compelled to write. When I get these thoughts, they seem to come from the non thinking part of the brain, the same place you find your intuition. It took only 5 minutes to write, as it came flooding out of me. As if I was not in control of it. My kids call me the Voodoo mum, but is it no different to what Theresa has probably tried to teach you..to tap into the voice of intuition.
You seem to me to be an old soul. You have a uniqueness and understanding way beyond your years. Most of us take years to reach the spiritual path that you are on and it seems that you have awakened to that very early. You are a healthy vegetarian which again is amazing. Most people your age follow the trend of being a vego but you have embraced it with such a healthy attitude.
You are an old spirit in a young body, you can make the choice whether to tap into that or not. Those thoughts and voices in your head are either from the old spirit or the ugly ego that wants you to remain ill with Anorexia. The other voice helps you to move away from it and brought you to Theresa and New Zealand where you could witness for yourself different ways of living. Quite often an old soul will feel estranged or alienated from their peers and this can be uncomfortable and lead to you trying to fit in and ultimately illness. It is when you realise that the universe has a much bigger plan for you that you will throw away the need to be ill and replace it with an open heart that will lead you to great things. You have already brought much light and love to Theresa and others in New Zealand and they have hopefully opened your eyes to a much more fulfilling world.
I have taught my kids to follow their passions and not the Dollar or trends. You are already doing that and now you just need to feel comfortable with that and not be fooled into following the trend. It was a huge sacrifice for me to send Jay to England and I miss him very much but I know it is where he needs to be to follow his passion and I take solace in that. Both Sam and Jay are vegetarians and are different. I believe, and have taught my kids that that is a blessing not a curse and will ultimately lead you to so many opportunities that less open minded people will not see and therefore it will pass them by
Just remember, the anorexia was part of the Journey. You are exactly where you should be right now. That past will help you and many others in the future, so hold on to it, remember it but do not reside in it. You are far too precious.
Take care of yourself and spread the light and love. When you are in spirit of love, the world will want to emulate you and that is how we change the world…one step at a time. This came very late for Theresa and I and we have struggled with many things during our lives. Of course you will have struggles too, but you will know how to deal with it. You are very blessed indeed. It is the little things in life that are extraordinary. The everyday smells, sounds and events. Your massage by the sea, your walk amongst the trees, the bee on the flower, the touch of a friend.
Pain normally precedes an awakening. That journey will involve and change a great number of people. It will change your immediate family. It brought you back into our lives, it took you to New Zealand, You have been loved by many during your stay in Kaiteriteri and with each one of them, you have shifted their lives just a little, whether it be from your enthusiastic spirit, your resilience and determination to grow, your give it a go personality, or in empathy of your illness. You have touched us all and changed us all. It is from a place of pain that openings arise and if you grab them and immerse yourself in them as you have done changes will happen, opportunities will arise and your life will be so much sweeter because you have tasted the bitter. You can go forward and grow and “pay it forward” to someone who may need your help one day. You will know their pain and you will know there is a way out because you will have achieved it.
I just paid $20 at the airport for an hours worth of internet just so I can play kim k. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am definitely not alright.
I’m really emotional and sensitive today, I can’t stop blubbering. It’s so scary to give up the control over my body and it’s so scary to not know the outcome. I just want to know that everything I’m putting myself through is worth it.
Bad thoughts go away go away go away go away go away